Many of the young adults who sit in my counselling room are still carrying things a parent said to them years ago.
“Stop being so dramatic.”
“Stop crying. You're being weak.”
“Stop talking so much.”
“Clean your room. You're so lazy.”
“Why can't you be more like your brother?”
“You're only a kid. What would you know?”
They'll often tell me these things quite casually. In their house, that was how people spoke to each other.
Then we talk about their relationships now. They'll tell me something their partner said that really hurt. And in the next breath, they'll say, “I think I'm just being dramatic.”
That's the moment I want to slow down. Before they've had a chance to ask themselves what hurt, they're already questioning whether they have a right to feel hurt at all.
If you're a parent, this article is for you. It's also for the part of you that might still hear some of those words in your own head.
How Dismissing a Child's Feelings Can Shape Their Beliefs
A limiting belief is an idea about yourself that you've come to accept as true, even when it affects how you see yourself or relate to others.
Imagine hearing “You're being dramatic” every time you get upset. Over time, you might start saying it to yourself.
I'm probably overreacting.
Underneath that, there might be a deeper belief:
I can't trust how I feel.
“Stop talking so much” might leave a child believing that people get tired of hearing from them. “You're so lazy” might become “There's something wrong with me”, when the immediate issue was simply a messy bedroom.
There's a difference between correcting a child's behaviour and making them feel bad about who they are.
It's reasonable to ask a child to clean their room, wait their turn or speak respectfully. For example, “Please put your clothes in the laundry basket” gives them something clear to do.
“You're so lazy” gives them a label to carry.
I sometimes hear the adult version of this in counselling. Someone wants to ask their partner for more help, then decides they're being demanding. Someone has a different opinion but keeps it to themselves.
A question I might ask is:
“What do you imagine will happen if you say how you really feel?”
When Children Learn That Feelings Are a Weakness
If you heard “Stop crying. You're being weak” as a child, you might still feel embarrassed when you cry as an adult. You might even apologise before you've had a chance to explain what's upsetting you.
Anger can be especially difficult to express.
If speaking up was treated as disrespect when you were growing up, you might have learnt to go quiet when something felt unfair.
Years later, you might find yourself saying “It's fine” to your partner when what you really want to say is:
“That mattered to me, and I'd like us to talk about it.”
Think about what a child gets to practise when an adult stays curious rather than shutting them down.
They learn to:
Find words for what they're feeling.
Understand what has upset them.
Explain what they need.
Disagree without feeling ashamed.
Work through difficult emotions with support.
These are skills children develop over time, and parents can help them build them through everyday conversations.
The Raising Children Network's guide to understanding and managing emotions offers practical advice on helping children recognise and manage their feelings.
Why Children May Stop Telling You How They Feel
If a child regularly gets laughed at, mocked, lectured or shut down when they open up, they may start keeping things to themselves.
They can still feel hurt, angry or confused. They've just learnt that bringing it to you will make the moment harder.
Sometimes, it's easy to miss. They tell you what happened at school but leave out the part that embarrassed them. Or they start to tell you something, notice your reaction and say, “Never mind.”
This is the part I really want parents to hear: when your child tells you they're angry with you, they're giving you an opportunity to understand something you might otherwise miss.
You might remember the situation differently. You might not have intended to hurt them. But you can still listen long enough to understand what the experience was like for them.
Listening doesn't mean you have to agree with everything your child says. It means showing them that they can talk to you about difficult feelings without being laughed at, dismissed or immediately corrected.
That is how emotional safety is built over time.
What Australian Research Says About Childhood Emotional Abuse
The Australian Child Maltreatment Study surveyed 8,503 Australians aged 16 and over about their experiences before the age of 18.
The study found that:
30.9% reported experiencing emotional abuse during childhood.
Among young people aged 16–24, the figure was 34.6%.
Emotional abuse included experiences such as hostile interactions, rejection and emotional unavailability.
A related study also found an association between childhood maltreatment and a higher likelihood of mental health conditions, including depression and anxiety.
These findings highlight how important children's emotional experiences are. The way children are spoken to, treated and responded to can matter long after childhood has passed.
You can read more about the findings:
I think about those findings alongside a smaller, everyday question:
When my child brings me something difficult, what happens often enough that they come to expect it?
How to Validate Your Child's Feelings While Still Setting Limits
Validating your child's feelings means showing them that you're willing to understand what they're experiencing.
It doesn't mean agreeing with every behaviour or allowing them to do whatever they want.
You can acknowledge that your child is angry while still setting a clear limit on hitting, name-calling or interrupting.
Here are some simple ways to respond when your child is upset.
1. Pause Before You Respond
If you feel yourself getting defensive or frustrated, take a breath before answering.
You might say:
“I want to hear what you're saying. Give me a second.”
A short pause can help you respond more calmly instead of reacting straight away.
2. Help Them Name the Feeling
Try to understand what your child might be feeling, but give them room to correct you.
For example:
“You seem really angry. Have I got that right?”
They might respond:
“I'm not angry. I'm embarrassed.”
That gives you a better understanding of what is happening for them.
3. Listen Before You Try to Fix It
When children are upset, parents can be quick to explain, correct or offer solutions.
Sometimes, they just need you to listen first.
Try asking:
“What happened for you just then?”
Or:
“Would you like me to listen, or would you like some help?”
Give them time to find the words. You don't need to have an answer straight away.
4. Set Limits on Behaviour Without Dismissing Feelings
You can be clear about behaviour while still making room for their feelings.
For example:
“I need you to stop calling me names. I do want to hear why you're angry.”
This helps children understand that all feelings are okay to talk about, but not every behaviour is acceptable.
5. Make Your Requests Specific
If your child's room needs cleaning, focus on what needs to be done rather than labelling them.
Instead of:
“Clean your room. You're so lazy.”
Try:
“Please put your clothes in the basket and bring your cups to the kitchen before dinner.”
Clear instructions help children understand what is expected without making them feel that something is wrong with who they are.
6. Make Room for Them to Speak
If you're about to say “Stop talking so much”, try:
“Let me finish what I'm saying, then I want to hear the rest.”
If you're busy, let them know when you can listen and come back when you said you would.
Following through matters. It shows your child that what they have to say is important to you.
7. Help Them Work Out What They Need
Sometimes children don't know what would help. You can give them a few simple options.
Try asking:
“What would help right now? A bit of space, some help with what happened, or would you like me to sit with you?”
If they're too upset to talk, give them some time and check in later.
Once things settle, “You always do this” might become:
“I felt embarrassed when you said that in front of everyone. I wish you'd talked to me privately.”
Now you have something you can respond to.
You might say:
“I can see why that embarrassed you. Next time I'll speak to you privately.”
These small conversations help children learn that difficult feelings can be talked about and worked through.
For more practical advice, see Raising Children Network and Kids Helpline's guide to helping children identify and express feelings.
How to Repair After You've Shut Your Child Down
I've got things wrong as a parent too.
Sometimes I've been tired, distracted or too quick to respond. What I want my kids to know is that they can tell me when I've hurt them, and I'll take it seriously.
You don't have to get every response right. But when you do get it wrong, you can go back and repair it.
If you catch yourself saying something you wish you hadn't, be specific about what you did and give your child room to respond in their own time.
For example:
“I called you lazy earlier. I was frustrated about the mess, and I made it about who you are. That was hurtful, and I'm sorry. Can we start again?”
You can also go back to these conversations when your children are grown.
You might say:
“I used to shut you down when you were upset with me. I've been thinking about what that might have been like for you. I'm sorry. If you ever want to tell me about it, I'll listen.”
If they do tell you, let them finish, even if you remember things differently.
You don't need to defend every decision or explain your intentions straight away. First, give yourself the chance to understand their experience.
Then, the next time they bring you something difficult, let them hear the difference in how you respond.
What Did You Learn About Feelings Growing Up?
It can be uncomfortable to hear yourself say something you remember hearing as a child. That moment is worth getting curious about.
You might like to reflect on a few questions:
What happened when you cried, got angry or disagreed with an adult?
Which words from your childhood can you still hear in your head?
What do you say to yourself when you feel hurt or need help?
Where do those old messages show up with your children or your partner?
What would you like your child to learn from the way you respond next time?
These questions aren't about blaming your parents or judging yourself. They're about noticing what you learnt and deciding what you want to do differently.
I want my kids to grow up knowing they can say, “That hurt”, “I see it differently” or “I need help”.
I want them to know I'll support them as they work out who they want to be, even if it looks different from what I imagined.
Some days, that starts with putting down what I'm doing and saying:
“Tell me what happened.”
Support for Childhood Patterns and Adult Relationships
If this article has brought something up for you, whether as a parent or as someone who still carries those words, counselling can provide a space to explore how those experiences affect you today.
You might notice that you struggle to express your needs, feel guilty when you disagree, find it difficult to manage conflict or question your feelings in relationships.
Understanding where these responses come from can help you develop a healthier relationship with yourself and the people around you.
At The Connection Room, I offer individual counselling in Essendon and via telehealth across Australia, as well as in-person couples counselling in Essendon.
You're welcome to book a free 15-minute discovery call through the individual counselling page.
You can also find out more about couples counselling in Essendon.
Related Reading
How to Build Emotional Connection in Relationships
Australian Support Services
If you or someone you care about needs additional support, these services may help:
Kids Helpline: Free counselling for young people aged 5–25. Call 1800 55 1800 or visit Kids Helpline.
Blue Knot Helpline: Support for adults affected by childhood trauma and abuse. Call 1300 657 380 or visit the Blue Knot Helpline.
Lifeline: 24-hour crisis support. Call 13 11 14 or visit Lifeline.
Samantha Payne
Registered Counsellor
The Connection Room - Essendon
