You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis to ask for support

“It’s not that bad.”

“We’re just going through a busy stage.”

“Maybe I’m asking for too much.”

“We’ll work it out.”

Perhaps you’ve said something like this to yourself when something in your relationship hasn’t felt right. There are still good moments. You get on with everyday life. The disagreement passes, and bringing it up again feels harder than leaving it alone.

But quietly, you might be thinking, “I need to talk to someone about my relationship.” You don’t know whether it’s serious enough for counselling, whether your partner would come, or where to begin.

You don’t need to wait until things get worse for that thought to deserve attention.

Has the difficulty been worked through, or have you just stopped talking about it?

In my work with couples, I sometimes meet people when the relationship has reached a crossroads. One person is exhausted. The other is frightened of losing them. Counselling has become a last attempt: “We do this, or I’m leaving.”

There is room for support at that point. But I want people to know they are allowed to seek help much earlier, while they still want to understand each other and before every conversation feels so loaded.

Your relationship does not need to be falling apart for your concerns to deserve attention.

When the same difficulties keep coming back

All relationships have difficulties. The important question is what happens when you face them.

Can you talk about what hurt? Can you listen without immediately defending yourself? Can you make changes and return to the conversation if it wasn’t resolved?

The Australian Psychological Society recommends seeking professional support when relationship problems become a recurring pattern that you cannot seem to resolve. You do not need to wait for an ultimatum. (psychology.org.au)

Perhaps you keep having the same argument about responsibilities. Perhaps one person raises a concern and the other withdraws. Perhaps you avoid difficult conversations because you already expect them to go badly.

You might still care deeply about each other while recognising that the way you are dealing with problems needs help.

“It could be worse” is not the only measure of whether a relationship needs attention. You can also ask: “Are we both feeling heard, respected and able to talk honestly?”

The hurt underneath “I’m over it”

In the couples work I do, resentment is something I pay attention to. I want to understand what sits underneath it.

“I’m over it” might mean:

“I’ve tried to explain this so many times.”

“I don’t believe anything will change.”

“I miss feeling important to you.”

“I’ve stopped asking because being disappointed hurts.”

These are examples, rather than assumptions about what any particular person feels. The point is to become curious about the hurt beneath the frustration.

When someone has reached this place, another promise may not mean very much. In sessions, I want to help couples identify what needs to change in everyday life, so that repair involves more than a good conversation.

I would rather people feel able to say, “We’re struggling with this and could use some help,” than feel they must first prove how much they have suffered.

Sometimes there is individual work to do as well

Couples counselling includes looking at what happens between you. It also involves being willing to look at yourself.

That might mean asking:

• What happens to me when I feel criticised or rejected?

• Do I become defensive, raise my voice, shut down or agree just to end the conversation?

• Can I communicate a need without attacking?

• Can I hear my partner’s hurt without making the conversation about my intentions?

• What am I willing to take responsibility for?

Our history can be relevant to these reactions. Gottman resources describe exploring whether feelings during a current disagreement connect with earlier experiences, as part of understanding emotional triggers. That connection needs exploration rather than assumption. (gottman.com)

A strong reaction does not automatically mean you have unresolved childhood trauma. What is happening in the relationship now matters too.

Individual support may be useful if you want to understand your reactions, address a mental health concern or have space to clarify your needs. The Australian Psychological Society notes that addressing individual mental health or substance use concerns can also support the relationship. (psychology.org.au)

You do not have to arrive at couples counselling with everything about yourself already understood. Being willing to reflect is a starting point.

An affair can bring a different kind of crisis

Sometimes people seek counselling because something has happened suddenly, such as discovering an affair. That is different from noticing a recurring disagreement and putting off getting help.

Seeking support after a discovery is understandable. It does not mean the betrayed person should have recognised a problem sooner or prevented what happened.

Relationship difficulties can be explored, but responsibility for choosing an affair belongs to the person who made that choice. Gottman’s affair recovery guidance makes this distinction clearly. (gottman.com)

My encouragement to seek help early is about responding to concerns you can recognise. It is not about blaming someone for a crisis they did not know was coming.

What can you do before things reach breaking point?

Notice the pattern, rather than waiting for a bigger incident.
You do not need to compare your relationship with someone else’s. Repeated disconnection, unresolved disagreements or difficulty expressing a need are enough to raise in a conversation about support.

Choose a calm moment to suggest help.
You could say: “I care about us, and I’ve noticed we keep getting stuck around this. I’d like us to get some support so we can understand each other better.”

Consider both relationship and individual support.
You could see a psychologist, a qualified counsellor or a relationship therapist. Ask about their qualifications, experience with couples and approach to the concerns you are bringing. Individual work may be appropriate alongside relationship work; this can be discussed with your practitioner.

Look at your own wellbeing.
Consider whether stress, your mental health or substance use needs attention too. You deserve support as a person, as well as support for your relationship.

Practise reflection without taking all the blame.
Ask yourself, “What happens on my side of this interaction?” That question allows you to examine your behaviour while still recognising your partner’s responsibility for theirs.

If your partner is unwilling, consider support for yourself.
You can seek help to understand your experience and clarify your options. The Australian Psychological Society identifies individual help as an option when a partner is reluctant to attend. One person seeking support does not remove the other person’s responsibility to participate in change. (psychology.org.au)

Where there is violence, intimidation or coercive control, the priority is safety and specialist individual support. It is important to tell a practitioner privately so they can assess what kind of help is appropriate.

If you are already in crisis, you still deserve support

I do not want this message to leave anyone thinking, “We’ve waited too long, so there’s no point.”

Longstanding difficulties do not automatically make a relationship beyond help. A study examining delays before therapy specifically challenged the assumption that couples generally arrive too late for their problems to be addressed. No practitioner can promise the outcome for an individual couple. (pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)

In my approach, the work is to understand what is happening, assess whether the relationship is safe, and explore what each person is willing to change. The decision about continuing the relationship belongs to the people in it.

Whether you have been together for a few years or several decades, you are allowed to take your concerns seriously.

You do not have to wait until “I want us to feel closer” becomes “I don’t know if I want us anymore.”

Samantha Payne

Registered Counsellor